Me: Hey God!
God: Hey, how’s it going?
Me: All right, I guess. Nothing to complain about.
God: So what’s this all about then? I haven’t heard from you in a while ever since you talked to my son last year.
Me: Well, I was just wondering what to write about this week and I couldn’t get anything really sorted out in my head so I thought I’d do what Neale Donald Walsch did and see if you’d come talk to me too.
God: Of course I’d talk to you. I talk to everyone. Most people just don’t listen though.
Me: You’re not exactly that clear-cut, you know. For example, how do I know I’m really talking to you and it’s not just my mind making up these words?
God: You don’t. But how do you know it’s not me putting those words you think you made up in your mind?
Me: I don’t know. Some people seem to think that you don’t talk to people anymore — that all you have to say is right there in your holy book.
God: You mean all that the infinite, all-knowing, all-wise creator of the universe has to say is contained in a book written thousands of years ago? Come on, I thought I made you with better sense than that.
Me: Just saying, that’s what people say. Others say, however, that you do talk, but whatever you say today cannot contradict whatever is in scriptures.
God: Now you’re being ridiculous. Times change, circumstances change, what I say can also change. Do you remember when you were a little boy and you declared to everyone within earshot that you wanted to be a soldier? How’s that going for you?
Me: But you’re God. You’re not supposed to contradict yourself.
God: Really? And which higher being made that rule for me to follow? I can contradict myself as much as I want. Who’s going to stop me?
Me: Uhm, good point. Isn’t that against your nature though?
God: And what good is it being God if I can’t go against my nature? Besides, what are you going to do about it? Slap me with a logical fallacy?
Me: I can’t argue with that.
God: Good that you know.
Me: You know some people are going to read this and get offended that I’m presuming to speak for you.
God: Don’t you get offended when they presume to speak for me?
Me: Not really, but I get really irritated.
God: And why is that?
Me: They’ve never really met you, seen you, heard you, felt you or touched you. Yet they are so sure that they know you — I mean really know you. They presume to know what you want and what you don’t want, who you love, who you’re going to save, who you’re sending to hell.
God: Now wait a minute, who said anything about sending anyone to hell?
Me: It’s there in the scriptures.
God: Which was written by whom?
God: Me? I never wrote anything in my life. Why should I bother writing anything down? It’s you humans who like writing things. You have this intense feeling and you write. You think you hear voices and you write. Like now, it’s you writing this conversation down, not me.
Me: So you’re saying you didn’t write the scriptures?
God: Nope. Any sane, intelligent scholar knows I didn’t take a pen and put words down on papyrus.
Me: How about what they say about you “inspiring” the men who wrote the scriptures?
God: Like the way I’m “inspiring” you now?
Me: But no one would really believe that these words I’m writing were inspired by you. They’ll just say I made the whole thing up. They’ll even say I’m blaspheming you by putting words in your mouth.
God: So? Nobody believes in prophets, but you already know that. You know, you humans take life too seriously sometimes. Lighten up and learn to laugh. I made life for you to enjoy and have fun and not get too caught up in these constipated arguments.
Me: Okay then. I’d love to chat more, but it’s late and I have a word limit and I think I exceeded it already.
God: Oh pooh, just tell your editor you’re having a divine dialogue.
Me: She’d never believe me.
God: I’ll put a mini-rainbow on her desk to make her know it’s legit.
Me: I’d like to see that happen. Later, nice chatting with you.
God: Au revoir!
Originally published in Sunstar Davao.